3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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