im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I only lived at night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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