I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize