You're completely useless in the revolution.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
