One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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