Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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