i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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