Kiss
Puke
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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