Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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