I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
