Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
