the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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