NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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