My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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