my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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