i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
