youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
