I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize