please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
as a side note pls kill me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
