honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
