you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
