I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
