So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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