My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
