I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
