I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I supernannyed him into submission
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
