hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
