my soul wont recognize me after tonight
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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