Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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