guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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