Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
bring money and cleavage
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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