He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
