If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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