I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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