Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
