She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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