I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
