You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
