I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
