i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
