Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
