Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
