Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
