Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I need to sanitize my soul.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I came so hard my ears popped.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
