Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
