Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
