what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
