wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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