everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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