watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
