Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
