so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
