remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize