I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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