I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
