Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
