i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
