GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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