textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
