girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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