Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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